Like#share# support# follow this little writer.
Follow my thoughts on the YourQuote app at https://www.yourquote.in/anjanasundariyer
(caution – don’t judge before you read.)
“I have seen beauty, in the things I personify!”
If I could talk to my inner soul, the one thing I would say is to calm down the heart which beats up in thunder. It’s like the foggy mornings and chilled nights, the scary stars with the fairy moon, telling a stories of its romances. My heart beats twice or thrice instead one at a time. Is that the sign of any abnormality? Or is that a sign of being ambitious? “Hey, mother soul, please rock and croon the sentimental lullaby to let me calm down to sleep!”It’s like dripping the each ounce of blood from my veins, in a loud rush emotional way. There is someone living inside of me. Is that a monster or an angel?The dark of trees over casted from the thick crusty bumpy jungles taught me to dream, the rocks spilled on the craggy hilly mountains taught me to sustain, the fields waved on the rich arid shallow valley’s taught me to survive, the pebbles rested on the shallow turquoise oceans taught me to hear the silence and the inner heart that was bouncing to and forth from the ribcage taught me to live. “Why do I have so much to dream?”. Is that the curse that my ancestors thrown or the sanctifying grace that rained on me? I do hold a divine relationship with my dreams and my soul. I think there is no difference between the former and the later. A perfect dream is a blessing of a calm soul.
‘He’ is like a thin of spicy mustard, but a little bit harder, he sounds like the ocean, sometimes whisper the secrets that even my ear can’t hear and complains me that am a bad listener, he is like the color that we have all seen,but never known by its real, just like the malachite – he is my luck charm that I wore under my thin fleshy skin that indicates the stone of balance, abundance and manifestation with lots of intention. He eludes my all the sins that I had gained so far, he clears and activates my heart to beat it again, with the same potential sometimes a bit more. He is my active pacemaker, who amplifies my all the veins, to stimulate the nerves and ends up in conversation with his twin – “Do that again!”. He is the gemstone that I inherited from my ancestor, reunited and moulded in to passionate form.”He personify me, the way I personify him”. He is my pride, sometimes false, sometimes with a little arrogantly, he is my hope, my compassion, who is the only reason for my existence. He is taking me to the long journey for the moral significance. Sometimes, he is the blinking star, with fresh flawless skin without any face creams or wrinkle creams, sometimes he is the scarry stars, giving the half of the torn and spilled images, putting me a task to complete it, to make it either a philosophical argument or a passionate journey. He brought me to a place, in between the two eternities, where I could accompany myself with beautiful stars and the harmful wars.
“Dream”- when I say his name out loud to this universe, he gave that quick mellow blush, he sprinkled his star dust over the entire black drape just to reflect my vision. I am his creator and he is my fuel – a fuel for survival. He is my burnt skin and crushed bones, who never left me alone when I stood flawed. He became my pillow when it rained hard all nights. ‘Looking deep into him’, I could lose myself into hopes. He is my forever follower, the mental image of fear and anxiety frightened by the nightmares. “Hey my dream twin, thanks for letting me gleam, when no one else let me. Thanking you for being my romeo. Please stop blushing, instead warm me up with your flames.”
He took me to the lighthouse, sometimes in the dark caves, but never put me down. He let me walk on beauty and blinked brightly, always close enough as my own ‘twin star’.
# Anjana Sundar.
I found darkness strange. The yellow Street lamps where I had grown, filled the darkness which promised the happiness for the perfect dawn. I loved the darkness and I always have. I raised my head above to see the white frozen astrals. I wished darkness could prevail as it is the best way that allows us who we are. The cold onshore breeze from the either side, echoed my brother’s voice which was a music under the summer breeze.
* * *
‘Milan, be prepared. I’ll be there soon’. his voice was a melody.
I fantasized my brother, who raised me till now after my parents death. My head lolled down to one shoulder to touch the polka dot t shirt, which I was wearing. It was the dress which my brother gifted on my last birthday. I heard back on school, the ‘amusement Cinderella fair ‘, that was conducted in the central city. My brother, whom I passionately called ‘Honey’, promised me to take into the amusement fair. The hazel beady eyes of mine seemed to reflect the grey of sky. The echo of Honey’s voice still striked my ear.
‘Milan, I ll arrive at 3 pm in the evening, be prepared’.
I waited in the corridor of my small bungalow, like a picture which was drawn by the enthusiastic and passionate artist. My chest nut brown curls waved into the air like a wavy creatures.
Being a 12-year old girl, alone in home was challenging. I was waiting for my promised dawn’s arrival. The coolness drifted into my body, making me freeze, even when I welcomed the day that invited the summer breeze.
It was sunlit day of the late spring. I was now watching at the alarm that I setup a few minutes before. I sat there, awaiting my beloved brother, it felt for me like the adventure out of curiosity, out of enchantment. I fantasized the high notes that were sirens, horns and hollering. I heard the creepy sounds of dusty hinges of the gate. I rushed towards him, holding my breath in hand, the knee length skirt waving in air, perfectly synchronous to the neck line. The specks of colors from flowers like lavenders and roses entered into me. I could still feel the river ‘s soft wending it’s way between the banks.
‘ Honey………… ‘ I could feel his warmth around me.
* * *
Few months ago, sky was painted with red hues of all colors, faded leaving only a black matt canvas. Still, those days, felt me like an old photograph, captured in a Polaroid. Honey, was the perfect song that I sang, a fresh gift but I now realize that it was my illusion. There was once my Honey, whom I loved and trusted into. But, the same one loved the money, not in the way I loved him. He shattered my trust and broken my love.
That day, six months back, the day when he promised me to take the ‘amusement Cinderella fair’. But it became so late to realise that he was fabricating me with his lie, with his fake love. The lie that torn me apart. He was actually planned to sell me to the ‘Red Street Men’ in the greed of money. I deciphered that he only loved money, not me. Money had fascinated him so far.
Tears snaking down my cheeks. I saw my bruises, the wildest miseries flowing through me. The promise of life in the darkness, it was my brother-the sweetness of my life. Finally, it was like the blue haze of day lifted to reveal the dark stars.
Now, I – the girl of half goddesses turned to half evil, as the forced ‘child prostitute ‘, in the red streets. Honey, was the master of my disguise. But, still now I missed him. The love and memories was striking inside my bones. I became the thunderstorms and the battle scars was still visible in the piece of poetry girl.
‘ Milan, be prepared. They will arrive at 3 pm in evening I heard one of the gang leader warned.
The constellations are all summoned on my way. Was that my hallucinations? Ain’t I am tired of this? I set the alarm for 3 pm. The ticking of the mother clock remind me of myself, six months back… I sat in front of the alarm clock, my head was painting. I was panting slowly though. Perhaps, Honey would come one day, to bring the sweetness again.
Someone banged outside.. I opened the door, then the alarm strikes three………………..
# Anjana Sundar.
– A tribute to my ‘always smiling mom’.
She was woman of wonder, her smile was the glitter in the shining armour. She do more than she ought to. She was the storm, those storm under the dark clouds, that was so strong enough to shook the oak roots. She was my fortune. Her call makes my day. If I spill out the words to describe my love towards her, perhaps that would not enough to fill the voids. I think she is the one who climbed, creeped into my skin to learn me. I gifted the scares on her stomach, I kicked her so hard with my mischievous actions, I made her body look fat, but after all she loved me. Ain’t that true? That whatever mistakes we do in her lap, she never fails to carve the palace in her heart. When people walk in dark, she taught me to crawl in the light, when people remained drizzle, she made me a hurricane, when people played with fire, she taught me to touch the Volcano. The bone chilling attention that she gave me shook my flesh! She crawled, walked, ran and finally flew just only to reach me, to teach me what it is to be lived and loved.
My annoyance towards her was a blend. I screamed, I shouted, I cursed, but more than that her silence makes me weak, her love makes me fail, her smile makes me realise that she is the love, life and lessons of my life, who never taught me how to live without her. She is the little gleam of light, who taught me when to be known, when to be unknown. She is the invisible cloak I wore always, her power lives in me with the undying hopes. She was my dream, who taught me how to dream, she was my legs who taught me how to walk, she was my wheels, that drove past the potholes, she was my wings who enabled me to fly and she was my emotion, who made me to live everyday. She cherished the love that is required for the rest of six lives. She choreographed each seasons of my life, whenever I throw a word against her, the well stacked Choreography will changes. Just like the blue haze revealed the sun, just like the night sky held the astrals, she revealed me to this world, she held me, so tight and strong enough to feel me warm. Her love made me realize that if she wasn’t there, I won’t be alive, I won’t have an identity.
She is my creator, who patiently waited for me to come from her small little womb, who strongly bore the 4 and half kilograms of burden in all the times, who all the 10 months dreamt of my small little legs to touch, which was strong enough to cause the pain by my regular kicks.
She was the shadow of mine and I am the old version of herself. Every time, she utters my name, she sounds like the moon, every time she touches me, she makes me remember that magic still exist and that was in her arms. She drew the vivid picture of the divine relationship between the mother and child in the moon and it is still the picture as fresh and as young as it was when she showed me the moon for the very first time with the delicious bowel in my mouth.
Silkiness of her smooth hair, fresh, as fresh as Apple shampoo, still I smell it as it was when I was wrapped around her warm body in the hospital bed. I was born to her like a brooding misery, born out of consequences, making her backbone wrench. But, I could sense her Adams apple blushing when she first touched me and I must ask forgiveness to her as I presented her the bad expectation that the 4 and half kg weighted child inside her womb was a boy. God knows her anxiety out of curiosity then. She was the burning star in the night sky, whose love which literature fails to narrate. I think this would be the best love story ever written and it could be a fairytale with the happy ending, if one could realise her love in its purest form.
Her love was like the masterpiece poetry written by an enthusiastic poet. Her love is an echo under the summer breeze.
‘She is the warrior out of me, just like the day lit in the spring ‘.
# Anjana Sundar .
Love you mommy…..
“ I wished to travel fast and far, but this was rather a slow travel, but far enough to flow my sins off”- Travel to the divine place.
It was all of a sudden. The nights of day travel always fascinated me. A trip to one of the most divine place in South India . I have been there, bleeding out the dark gel dripping in the veins. The girl who witnessed the 1000 pairs of eyes. I took a look on the black curtain that stood above my head. The clouds are becoming bigger and bigger, slowly in motion. I just like those weather, the weather that promised for an upcoming life. I just realized that there is life in everything we see, we hear and we feel. The trees moved, astrals blinked, waves danced, birds chirped and the smiles in the every faces I glanced gave a swear of happiness. My foot paces were slow, contrasting to the climate. It was all of a sudden, that the dark sky turned to the bright shining blue drape.
I could sense the heat enter into the pores of my body, I could feel the wrecking balls playing inside my head, I was brimming with gratitude. I could hear the chit-chat around me, but those was all a blur. I couldn’t miss those mesmerizing panoramas of the unknown village I was into. Perhaps, it is a kind of metaphor to call so. It wasn’t a city nor a village. But, it was a hodge podge of “cillage” (certainly an irony). The whole area was begging to surrender to its excess cultural beauty. It was the non – metaphorical traditional landscape in the hills of South India. It was like all the streams of culture meeting at the river. The name of the cillage is quite unique and antique – MADURAI.
It was so divine area, with the vast geographical place covering the dieties of different size and power. I was like paining myself, my neck all over, as the tower that welcomed us, was almost touched the morning sky. The towers from all the directions say North, South, West and East made me aww. We slowly moved inwards. It was bright inside.
For a split second, this was like revealing the mystery around me. Later on, I realized that those mystery that I overtook was not just a play of words, it was an experience for a lifetime ,it was a feel of soul that overwhelmed me with joy. A sudden kind of breeze with water drops from near swept my hair and covered a part of me. Perhaps from inside it was uncovering my soul. I moved slowly, foot paces naked, touching the wet grey granite, gracing it’s texture – so soft and so delicate.
I ran my fingers through the pillars around me, there was more than million of pictures running all over it. I was perplexed of what those mean? Who was it’s architect? What was the landscape plan? How long does it took to complete ? My thoughts traveled miles in a minute. I touched through its hard surfaces, it was a zig-zag motion, I was dragged by its scenic beauty – it wasn’t scenic though, it was the hard, erratic sculptures, with millions of symbols carved in the exotic shapes. There was elephants with the larger trunks, snakes with different types and lengths, there was deities carved with different signs. Something got caught my attention, there was a small Idol with the light sandal shade, naked, placed at the top of pillars, just opposite to the west tower. The one leg of that Idol was broken, it wasn’t an intentional break though. It was made broken and the guide was narrating the history of those scenes to the tourists. I was totally euphoric, seeing them near me. Those foreigners added the warmth to the scene, admiring those cultures of India with its deepest sense. “They follow those that they don’t have, teaching us the essence of those that we have”. They seemed like moving the miles, before they explore. They were all like drilling themselves into oneself through those pillars. They gave me a quick glance. I could sense their excitement in their eyes. They seemed like searching the poetry that was embracing them. They bowed and greeted with their wet white hands, trying to imitate the cultures around them.
I slowly set the scenes inside the tower . There was different idols placed at different sides, meeting at the junction. There was a cue ,not huge though. Inside them there was inscriptions carved on the walls, pillars and everywhere.
I could sense those letters, in some geometrical symbol, in my finger receptor cells. I took a closer peep into those dark shadeless signs, from my memory, I could recall that those are the tamilian literatures. Those empires during some BC before had ruled this area of South India, known pandyas . They developed some of the epic arts in literature like Manimeghalayi and silapadhikaram, those arts were reflected in these areas. I could still feel the bounds of my thoughts while I was in the history classes. Those were so challenging days. Inside there was the shiva Idol that woke up the urge in me to go through the shiva trilogies. To the right there was yet another gigantic ganesh Idol, with thick hard black stone carved into a diety shaped with huge eyes, trunk and sort of them. I realized that “exploring the place I was exploring was an eternal exploration”.
I heard the philosophical arguments between the devotees surrounded there. My mom joined them and put forward her visions. Those sequence of their conversation was without science but fuelled with belief. It didn’t took me too long to decipher that belief is stronger than science, as human thinking can change the science with their strong believes. I nodded my head up and down. It looked like I was taking stand to their argument, but I was actually lost in those what my eye receptors had experienced so far.
It was breathtaking and photogenic without photos. There was no need of capturing them onto film, instead it was still alive and fresh in me, still young and bloom, those eternal streets, shops, temple and all the things there. It wasn’t materialistic. I could sense life around me which was immortal.
Eudaimonia – the contented happy state I felt when I travel. It was just a two day trip, but I choreographed the story that could be narrated for 2 generations.
I have miles to go, before I walk….
# Anjana Sundar
That was the long unwinding road that seem to not ending forever!!!
I awoke in the morning mist. Climbed those stubborn stairs and opened the door for the east chill to fill up my room. I sat in the corridor , the cold breeze kissed all over my body, I must say there was a thing in the breeze that was trying to say something . I closed my eyes, listened to those voices of the nature. From those grills of my window panes, my eyes get caught of the huge, gigantic mountains covered with fumes-perhaps it was the white mist. Suddenly, I was blocked by the ticking of the daughter clock in the corner of my room. It’s 6:00 in the morning….
I rushed down to grab my shrug as I was afraid of getting cold. I tied my hair a loose braid, spattered the frozen water on to my face and went on. Went on!!!! For???
I was afraid of the tight pedals. I was afraid of those long roads that have no ending. I was afraid of the uncontrollable cycle, I was afraid of losing alone in those woods and I was afraid of stepping forward all alone. But, now I love my fear!!!!! I love myself as a strong warrior who is alive inside of me.. I pedaled the cycle as hard than I expected. My heart was beating fast and was bouncing to and fro. I moved straight, I wasn’t alone in my trip. There was the bright orange morning sun, blushing instantly at me, showing me the way for my path. The road wasn’t clear, full of potholes, filled with those muddy water, it washed the tyres of my cycle. It wasn’t the cycle that one possessed by the riders. But worth to say, it did a job what exactly the cycle does. It was the perfect gift…
I went on. The west wind kissed my right cheek. It was my first kiss. I was driven by those breeze making me feel special. I went on, raised towards the hilly top. I was driving in the street lanes which was gridlocked as if telling from its sweet tale. I remember my souls blush when she told her Street Lane tale…. Worth to say, I stopped in the same Lane as I saw my bird calling.. I stood there for some time, holding hand in hand. I was lost in those mid ways. I rode fast, recklessly as if I never did. I reached another road, a sloppy way, which too has a “tales to tell” . So far, birds was following me on my way . They gifted me the sweetness of my day. There is no word in English literature found to express what I went through!!!
So far, the girls are trained to speak softly. But, now it’s over . There are far more voices that take her side. The most beautiful and dangerous thing here is the women who is unapologetically herself!!!!!! Sometimes, some roads has stories to tell. The gigantic mountains was calling me. They taught me humanity, as I rode past I thought how small am I?……. I started to fall in love with the thrill of riding and deeply madly in romance with those adventures waiting ahead… It wasn’t a solo ride, yet it was!! and it wasn’t an end, it was the start…!!!!
Dare to live the life, that you have wished to..
Travel for enough to meet yourself!!!!!!!!!!
The sun’s scorching heat kissed me all over. I could only hear the gigantic whistles of the train. The second class sleeper seat was not so weird than I expected. The window seats was the craze for all of us, at least in our childhood . But , for me those window seat is necessary even when I grew up. As you grew up, some things won’t change, right?. The dark roasted almond shaped eyes of mine was shining in the May’s heavy sun rays. I was then a small little girl, migrating from a city to another . So, my anxiety knew no bounds! I was expecting for my destination to arrive. I blinked my eyes for many times, looking around and I could still hear the echoes of the people’s giggle. They made that time so alive, with their constant chirps and vibrant hues of their clothes.
‘Get up, get up!’ mom hurried me for 3 times.
Later then I realized that we are creeping slowly towards our destination . Me ,dad, Mom and my elder sister stood near the huge metal exit door of the train. The trees, clouds and the sky all moved along with the train. It seemed me then like they all are accompanying with us!! The train started to slow down, I could again hear the hustle and bustle of the engine as we are so close to it. As the train moved, chill rose through my flesh on the legs as I was wearing some small knee-length skirt. (I don’t remember the color though). Train reached the station. But, I was unable to read the name of station that passed by quickly in the yellow board. Train slow downed, it will stop any moment. I could here giggles of people from front and back. One……… Two……….. Three…….. Stop…. Train hit the break as hard that I touched the one of the wall. We slowly stepped out of the train with our luggage! I took a deep look around. The small baby cut hair that I had waved in the air. I was very small then! (as everyone of us are in our childhood). I searched for the board, there on my left I saw huge letters.
The young announcer welcomed us by saying ‘palghat Junction welcomes you’, in approximately 3 languages. I could here some railway wala’ s saying ‘Chai, Chai, chai’ ‘cappi, cappi, cappi’.. Their voices was full of buoyancy . We slowly moved towards the entrance. The auto drivers were all stood in front of us as if in racing each other to check who will win. We ignored them all and walked through the way out.
I was holding dad’s hand, took a deeper glance all over. The roads were not so crowded just like the one of mine in Hyderabad. Palakkad was so calm and peace. The air was filled with natural rich coconut oil. I took a deep inhale and moved forward.
Dad stopped in front of a shop. Their was voices of buyers and sellers in the streets. Shopkeepers clapped their hands so high as if to get our attention . There was small Street vehicles in which they sold tea and all kerala snacks, which were so unfamiliar for me then. I could here people’s crunch. But, now I am also one among them.The shop we was in to was decorated with full of banana chips, the deep yellow hue sensed my cone cells. Dad bought some things and we started to move. But, I didn’t move. Something stopped me to do so.
There was some fluffy colored semi-solid thing arranged in a particular sequence. It was well packed and I could see the cashews and nuts spread away just like the scattered dust on the moon. I was like ‘eeeee’…The shopkeeper familiarized that thing as’ halwa’ and pointed me a piece to taste. I put that small piece of creature in to mouth, as soon as it entered into my guts I was like ‘awww, sweet!!’. We then moved on.
I hold dad’s hard fingers, my hair was waving in the air, my skirt lining was rhythmically dancing, the sultry scorching sun accompanied with me. There is yet some huge difference between the place where I was born with the place where I am going to live for the rest. Perhaps, it may be the ‘halwa’, i tried then….. I moved on, a small little girl, with gigantic dreams…….
I still smell those air, that I breath when I first landed in palakkad …….. It was like seeing things in a new way… Time fled, but memories ain’t……..
Every morning she wakes up from those worst nightmares. She was a flawed girl, unless you mean her. Her flesh were all reddened by the blisters. Every day, as she awoke, there was a biggest battle between her sleep and those dreams she had . she hide herself beneath her waxy appearance of the face. She is born to make others cry, but inside her there is a volcano of heat that was burning out.. But, she stayed calm. Calm for while!! She screams out for help. But, all was futile!!
She hides herself, her smile. Because, she only knows that it wasn’t the smile she had a few decades before. Something had changed. She knows for sure. Was that the nail shades on her fingers or the curls of her hair? She was an extraordinary girl, kicked at bay by her own choices and bloody priorities..
She screamed out for help. She want a shoulder to rest in. But, founds nowhere. Her skin was bare, as there was her soul. Her bones were chilled, as there was her emotions and her fist were clenched, as there was her life. She tried to sound like a moon, breath like a waves and live like the stars. But, none of them was happening with her. She was lost. Lost among those dark, gigantic woods stuck in her choices and her emotions. She was controlled by them. She was like those dried autumn leaf, that twirl in wind. Loosed her grip on what she was holding so far!!!
But, she wasn’t ready to make a dead give away. She rose. Even she was afraid to walk among those fake people, she decide to fly, fly among those beautiful night skies, millions of countless astrals and to catch the breath of what she yearned.. She crawled, through those clean, mud granules and imprinted her paws, to tell the world HER TALE. How she made so far!!
She pulled her sleeves up, tightened her ponytail and took a deep breath up and down to shout the world that she is ready. Ready to hear the tales of many that was unsaid, unseen and unwanted like hers. She rode recklessly towards her dreams as dreams inspired her to live so far. It made her to wake from those red velvet couches she left as far like a rotten, lifeless monster. Now, she is an Angel, a wingless angel took her way to build her own wings…
This is she. The girl she ought to be… The girl she must be. The girl she is….
– # Anjana